The past three weeks have torn at my emotions: mourning the death of my mother’s cousin who was like a sister to her but Mom was unable to attend the funeral, seeing young, happy pictures of my parents in the bridal party at my aunt and uncle's 60th anniversary party yet Mom was missing from this event, feeling my parents’ big old house shake and fearing it was falling down since we never expected an earthquake, preparing for hurricanes, dealing with power down and water up in two basements, trying to contain and cure Mom’s pinkeye, training a new weekend caregiver and unexpectedly becoming Mom’s primary caregiver for four 12-hour days and five half days.
I recognize I cannot control events, the weather or even when my eyes flood and my voice breaks. Sometimes this sense of powerlessness makes me want to find a support group and connect with other caregivers, both to share with people who understand some of my experiences and to learn from them and their perspectives.
Yet I have hesitated to do more than get a schedule of local Alzheimer’s support groups. Maybe I am reluctant to make a time commitment. since too often my plans get overruled by circumstances. Maybe I don’t really want to know what the future holds. Maybe such a group will require more emotional energy than I have.
Have you been in a support group—particularly one dealing with a medical or end-of-life issue? Did you meet in person? Chat online? I would appreciate insights about the value of such groups or recommendations about where to go. I look forward to your comments!
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Living in the Maybe Zone
I am a planner. I like to be prepared. If I say I am going to do something, I do everything in my power to keep my commitment. Myers-Briggs personality tests label me a strong J (judger) since I like to have matters settled, decided. At the other end of the spectrum from J is P which perceives many different options and likes to keep them all open. Wouldn’t you know I would be be married to someone who is at least as an extreme a P as I am a J!
Each Sunday I make a master list of all the activities for the week and what needs to be accomplished. Last week I was especially looking forward to Friday. Our weekday caregiver would train a new weekend caregiver and my dad would help with transportation so my husband Paul and I could have a day of “carrots.” We would go to the shore and then enjoy catching up with old friends at a picnic. A full day of fun at last! Eager as I was, I recalled recently thwarted recreational attempts, wondered if we might want to stay at the shore longer, and responded “Maybe” to the 5 - 9 pm picnic invitation. Smart move.
What is that saying about God laughing at our plans? Well, the laughter began on Thursday. A sister called to say she’d be arriving later that day from western PA to be ready for an appointment in Trenton she had just scheduled for Friday morning. Then I learned that her husband also was coming. The leftovers just would not stretch. Add to the list: run to the grocery store.
When I returned to my parents’ home with the groceries, our weekday caregiver announced that she had to leave that night to help one of her kids on Friday. Then our niece whom we’d be picking up in Philadelphia on Saturday asked to stay overnight. So much for the shore, but what if I trained the new weekend caregiver and she stayed with Mom Friday afternoon so I could clean our house. Another call. The trainee could only stay two hours on Friday—I’d be with Mom 7 am - 7 pm.
Friday came. Paul drove my sister and her spouse to the Trenton appointment since he knew the neighborhood. I did lots of cooking so we could share a nice meal with them before they left. Then my dad sat with my mom for two hours while Paul and I did some speed cleaning at our house.
Walking home after helping mom to bed, I commented that it sure looked like rain. We made it to our house before the skies opened up. Is the picnic still on? Is it too late to go? If friends came all the way from Milwaukee, rain would not stop the event. We did get our water, just without the sun and sand. We went to the indoor picnic and had a good visit with lots of folks we had not seen for a while.
Friday did not go at all as I had planned, but it turned out okay. I realize that I can’t control anything beyond myself. And far too often, I cannot even control myself or my thinking, speaking, eating or.... But I don’t believe that means I should not plan. I just need to hold open the possibility that maybe things will change. Flexibility has not been the strongest trait in my J personality. But life—especially when caring for others—keeps testing my flexibility. At the rate I’m being tested, you’ll soon be calling me Gumby! Well, maybe.
Each Sunday I make a master list of all the activities for the week and what needs to be accomplished. Last week I was especially looking forward to Friday. Our weekday caregiver would train a new weekend caregiver and my dad would help with transportation so my husband Paul and I could have a day of “carrots.” We would go to the shore and then enjoy catching up with old friends at a picnic. A full day of fun at last! Eager as I was, I recalled recently thwarted recreational attempts, wondered if we might want to stay at the shore longer, and responded “Maybe” to the 5 - 9 pm picnic invitation. Smart move.
What is that saying about God laughing at our plans? Well, the laughter began on Thursday. A sister called to say she’d be arriving later that day from western PA to be ready for an appointment in Trenton she had just scheduled for Friday morning. Then I learned that her husband also was coming. The leftovers just would not stretch. Add to the list: run to the grocery store.
When I returned to my parents’ home with the groceries, our weekday caregiver announced that she had to leave that night to help one of her kids on Friday. Then our niece whom we’d be picking up in Philadelphia on Saturday asked to stay overnight. So much for the shore, but what if I trained the new weekend caregiver and she stayed with Mom Friday afternoon so I could clean our house. Another call. The trainee could only stay two hours on Friday—I’d be with Mom 7 am - 7 pm.
Friday came. Paul drove my sister and her spouse to the Trenton appointment since he knew the neighborhood. I did lots of cooking so we could share a nice meal with them before they left. Then my dad sat with my mom for two hours while Paul and I did some speed cleaning at our house.
Walking home after helping mom to bed, I commented that it sure looked like rain. We made it to our house before the skies opened up. Is the picnic still on? Is it too late to go? If friends came all the way from Milwaukee, rain would not stop the event. We did get our water, just without the sun and sand. We went to the indoor picnic and had a good visit with lots of folks we had not seen for a while.
Friday did not go at all as I had planned, but it turned out okay. I realize that I can’t control anything beyond myself. And far too often, I cannot even control myself or my thinking, speaking, eating or.... But I don’t believe that means I should not plan. I just need to hold open the possibility that maybe things will change. Flexibility has not been the strongest trait in my J personality. But life—especially when caring for others—keeps testing my flexibility. At the rate I’m being tested, you’ll soon be calling me Gumby! Well, maybe.
Friday, July 22, 2011
A Carrot a Day?
Too many caregiving needs, too little sleep, feeling unappreciated and isolated, too many headaches, not enough time to relax... I was on the brink of burnout but I kept pushing ahead, plodding on empty toward the “carrot”—vacation from stressors at a cabin in the woods. In the midst of buying food and supplies, double checking caregiving arrangements and making all the extra preparations needed to get away, my sister-in-law who’d invited us to share their Arkansas version of Walden Pond called a few days before the flight. The plans were changing.
Due to a medical concern, she had to return home to Dallas. Could we fly there instead of to Little Rock? We might or might not make it to the cabin for a few days. I felt like a tire traveling at high speed that suddenly blew out, completely deflated. (With three such blowouts on the highway in the past nine months, this image was powerfully vivid for me.) The carrot of “sleep, pray, hike, sleep, talk, read, sleep” looked more like a mirage.
Grasping for our vacation, we looked into changing our flight and learned the steep price of spontaneity. This news decelerated the process and gave us time to think. We realized that our daughter’s medical procedure had been rescheduled into the time that we’d be away. Though she previously had assured us that she would be fine, when we told her that our plans had changed and asked if she wanted us to come support her, she eagerly agreed.
As much as I love my daughter, saying “Goodbye, cabin; hello, more caregiving” was tough to swallow. I could not even verbalize a prayer request at church since I was too close to tears. Then I felt God speaking to me, telling me to build regular rest into my everyday caregiving schedule rather than depending upon once-in-a-while vacations.
After church my resolve was tested immediately. Should I make a quick trip to the store? A voice seemed to say, “No. Rest!” We ate leftovers for lunch. Mid-afternoon my niece called from my parents’ house to say that her mother—who’d been giving me a caregiving break for the day—had hurt her ankle. After being with Mom Friday and Saturday, now I was back there and caring for Mom and my sister! The brief rest I had after church helped me better handle this unexpected need. God prepared and equipped me as I listened to him for my schedule.
The bad news: we did not get to the cabin. The good news: we cancelled the car and hotel reservations without penalty and can use our flight dollars to reschedule the trip to the Arkansas. Even better news: we enjoyed being God’s agents of care for our daughter, and on the way home stayed overnight at a wonderful inn and spa in Delaware where my husband surprised me by scheduling a massage. Bliss! The best news: this crisis is making me rethink my lifelong policy of “don’t play until the work is all done.” Now in my daily diet I am trying to include “carrots” like sleeping in, reading for pleasure, taking a walk with my husband, interacting with a friend or even blogging. These carrots are improving my eyesight by helping me see life more positively!
Due to a medical concern, she had to return home to Dallas. Could we fly there instead of to Little Rock? We might or might not make it to the cabin for a few days. I felt like a tire traveling at high speed that suddenly blew out, completely deflated. (With three such blowouts on the highway in the past nine months, this image was powerfully vivid for me.) The carrot of “sleep, pray, hike, sleep, talk, read, sleep” looked more like a mirage.
Grasping for our vacation, we looked into changing our flight and learned the steep price of spontaneity. This news decelerated the process and gave us time to think. We realized that our daughter’s medical procedure had been rescheduled into the time that we’d be away. Though she previously had assured us that she would be fine, when we told her that our plans had changed and asked if she wanted us to come support her, she eagerly agreed.
As much as I love my daughter, saying “Goodbye, cabin; hello, more caregiving” was tough to swallow. I could not even verbalize a prayer request at church since I was too close to tears. Then I felt God speaking to me, telling me to build regular rest into my everyday caregiving schedule rather than depending upon once-in-a-while vacations.
After church my resolve was tested immediately. Should I make a quick trip to the store? A voice seemed to say, “No. Rest!” We ate leftovers for lunch. Mid-afternoon my niece called from my parents’ house to say that her mother—who’d been giving me a caregiving break for the day—had hurt her ankle. After being with Mom Friday and Saturday, now I was back there and caring for Mom and my sister! The brief rest I had after church helped me better handle this unexpected need. God prepared and equipped me as I listened to him for my schedule.
The bad news: we did not get to the cabin. The good news: we cancelled the car and hotel reservations without penalty and can use our flight dollars to reschedule the trip to the Arkansas. Even better news: we enjoyed being God’s agents of care for our daughter, and on the way home stayed overnight at a wonderful inn and spa in Delaware where my husband surprised me by scheduling a massage. Bliss! The best news: this crisis is making me rethink my lifelong policy of “don’t play until the work is all done.” Now in my daily diet I am trying to include “carrots” like sleeping in, reading for pleasure, taking a walk with my husband, interacting with a friend or even blogging. These carrots are improving my eyesight by helping me see life more positively!
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Unleashing Prayer Power
Much of my time during the past year seems to be centered on care for the elderly slice of my sandwiched life, but recently my energies have been split between my kids and my parents.
For the wedding of our son Tim, besides a weekend trip to Boston to help him clean, pack and move, as well as shopping for my last “mother-of” outfit, I stepped out of my comfort zone (into Arthur Murray’s) to prepare for a mother-son dance.
Of course, the real preparation for both my children’s weddings began years before. As their individual personalities began developing, I began praying for their future life partners. The results were wonderful, and the experience prepared me for something I’d never have predicted: writing my first book review! I’m a fan of writer Robin Jones Gunn and her lighthearted Sisterchicks novels. So when I learned that she’d jumped into nonfiction with coauthor Tricia Goyer to write Praying for Your Future Husband and I discovered that bloggers qualify for a complimentary review copy in exchange for a complimentary review (just kidding, the review should be honest)....hmm, why not try a new genre?
In Praying for Your Future Husband, I found personal, practical and encouraging ideas aimed to address the concern of Christian females over the lack of God-honoring guys to marry. These two fiction authors share their own less-than-fairy-tale romances and then reveal, step by unexpected step, how God led each of them to an enduring, far deeper relationship. They show how specific, proactive prayer unleashed God’s power in their lives and in the lives of their future spouses.
Make no mistake, this is not a sit-around-and-wait-for-the-perfect person-to-show-up book. Emphasis is placed on prayer for the development of godly character traits and heart attitudes, first in self and then in a yet-unknown potential mate as evidenced by the full title of the book Praying for Your Future Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His. While I thought I'd prayed comprehensively for my children’s spouses, I learned many more specific ways to pray from Robin, Tricia and others they quote. This small book expanded my appreciation for the power of prayer!
Twelve chapters each focus on a topic to pray for (such as patience, understanding, protection, contentment, etc.) with detailed guidelines on how to pray. Thankfully, they are guidelines—not some magic formula to produce a husband. To personalize these concepts, there is space for the reader to write her responses, as well as questions about the content to consider individually or in a group discussion. Woven throughout are on-target Bible verses and inspiring real life stories of God’s answers to prayer. This information is so relevant and useful that many prayer suggestions for a mate could continue to be prayed for after a wedding!
This book reminds that God wants us to have a different value system than our culture. In the chapter “Pray for Strength,” for instance, the focus is not on glorying in superficial physical attributes but on strength of character, of spirit, in leadership, to resist temptation and in reputation. Throughout the book, the reality of spiritual warfare, particularly for one growing in Christ, and the need for prayer to unleash God’s supernatural power are clearly articulated.
No guarantees are made that reading and responding to Praying for Your Future Husband will automatically dispense a marriage proposal, let alone one worthy of a “Yes.” Yet, I heartily recommend this book to any woman looking for love and intimacy. The authors declare, “The mystery of it all is that you don’t know if your life story will have a grand love story in it. But you do know that you’re part of a greater, eternal romance. A very real Bridegroom has promised to one day come riding in on a white horse and to take you away to be with Him forever.” Meanwhile, the character traits you’re encouraged to embrace in this book will serve you well in all earthly relationships.
Read Chapter One of Praying for Your Future Husband
WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group provided this book to me for free in exchange for my review as part of their Blogging for Books program.
For the wedding of our son Tim, besides a weekend trip to Boston to help him clean, pack and move, as well as shopping for my last “mother-of” outfit, I stepped out of my comfort zone (into Arthur Murray’s) to prepare for a mother-son dance.
Of course, the real preparation for both my children’s weddings began years before. As their individual personalities began developing, I began praying for their future life partners. The results were wonderful, and the experience prepared me for something I’d never have predicted: writing my first book review! I’m a fan of writer Robin Jones Gunn and her lighthearted Sisterchicks novels. So when I learned that she’d jumped into nonfiction with coauthor Tricia Goyer to write Praying for Your Future Husband and I discovered that bloggers qualify for a complimentary review copy in exchange for a complimentary review (just kidding, the review should be honest)....hmm, why not try a new genre?
In Praying for Your Future Husband, I found personal, practical and encouraging ideas aimed to address the concern of Christian females over the lack of God-honoring guys to marry. These two fiction authors share their own less-than-fairy-tale romances and then reveal, step by unexpected step, how God led each of them to an enduring, far deeper relationship. They show how specific, proactive prayer unleashed God’s power in their lives and in the lives of their future spouses.
Make no mistake, this is not a sit-around-and-wait-for-the-perfect person-to-show-up book. Emphasis is placed on prayer for the development of godly character traits and heart attitudes, first in self and then in a yet-unknown potential mate as evidenced by the full title of the book Praying for Your Future Husband: Preparing Your Heart for His. While I thought I'd prayed comprehensively for my children’s spouses, I learned many more specific ways to pray from Robin, Tricia and others they quote. This small book expanded my appreciation for the power of prayer!
Twelve chapters each focus on a topic to pray for (such as patience, understanding, protection, contentment, etc.) with detailed guidelines on how to pray. Thankfully, they are guidelines—not some magic formula to produce a husband. To personalize these concepts, there is space for the reader to write her responses, as well as questions about the content to consider individually or in a group discussion. Woven throughout are on-target Bible verses and inspiring real life stories of God’s answers to prayer. This information is so relevant and useful that many prayer suggestions for a mate could continue to be prayed for after a wedding!
This book reminds that God wants us to have a different value system than our culture. In the chapter “Pray for Strength,” for instance, the focus is not on glorying in superficial physical attributes but on strength of character, of spirit, in leadership, to resist temptation and in reputation. Throughout the book, the reality of spiritual warfare, particularly for one growing in Christ, and the need for prayer to unleash God’s supernatural power are clearly articulated.
No guarantees are made that reading and responding to Praying for Your Future Husband will automatically dispense a marriage proposal, let alone one worthy of a “Yes.” Yet, I heartily recommend this book to any woman looking for love and intimacy. The authors declare, “The mystery of it all is that you don’t know if your life story will have a grand love story in it. But you do know that you’re part of a greater, eternal romance. A very real Bridegroom has promised to one day come riding in on a white horse and to take you away to be with Him forever.” Meanwhile, the character traits you’re encouraged to embrace in this book will serve you well in all earthly relationships.
Read Chapter One of Praying for Your Future Husband
WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group provided this book to me for free in exchange for my review as part of their Blogging for Books program.
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Taxes and Tires
As I look back over the past twenty-four hours, I realize they have been focused primarily on caring for my parents’ caregivers. Last night I discovered that our weekday caregiver was having problems getting her state tax refund. After waiting a month, she called to find out why she had not received the monies due her.
IRS tech-nese can be challenging even for those well versed in English, let alone those for whom English is a second language. We spent 2.5 hours jumping through hoops to Internet-search the right agency, make early morning calls in English and Spanish, write the required letter and take her to get it notarized. April 15 is not exactly the best day to make a call about a refund! If she had not called, though, who knows how long it would have been before she would have been contacted. Yet, when the tables were turned and the state wanted money from her, she said they communicated quickly! I know our state is in fiscal distress, but so are individuals. Service should not be one-way.
When I returned to my house, I started in on my personal “to do” list. But it was interrupted when I got a call from our weekend caregiver asking if this was my husband’s scheduled day off; she had a flat tire and wanted help changing it. It wasn’t, but my Dad and I offered to help her.
I’d like to say we went and 1-2-3 replaced the tire with a donut. NOT! The tool to remove the special anti-theft nut was nowhere to be found. She thought it might be at a storage unit several miles away so Dad took her there while I finished jacking up the car and loosened the other nuts. She found the tool, and we left her able to get to work at Mom & Dad’s tomorrow.
This was not exactly the day I had planned, but how often are they? Caring is a two-way street.
IRS tech-nese can be challenging even for those well versed in English, let alone those for whom English is a second language. We spent 2.5 hours jumping through hoops to Internet-search the right agency, make early morning calls in English and Spanish, write the required letter and take her to get it notarized. April 15 is not exactly the best day to make a call about a refund! If she had not called, though, who knows how long it would have been before she would have been contacted. Yet, when the tables were turned and the state wanted money from her, she said they communicated quickly! I know our state is in fiscal distress, but so are individuals. Service should not be one-way.
When I returned to my house, I started in on my personal “to do” list. But it was interrupted when I got a call from our weekend caregiver asking if this was my husband’s scheduled day off; she had a flat tire and wanted help changing it. It wasn’t, but my Dad and I offered to help her.
I’d like to say we went and 1-2-3 replaced the tire with a donut. NOT! The tool to remove the special anti-theft nut was nowhere to be found. She thought it might be at a storage unit several miles away so Dad took her there while I finished jacking up the car and loosened the other nuts. She found the tool, and we left her able to get to work at Mom & Dad’s tomorrow.
This was not exactly the day I had planned, but how often are they? Caring is a two-way street.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Moving On
Boston is a place of special memories for me. Paul and I honeymooned there, helped with a Habitat for Humanity build after completing construction on our home, attended a marriage seminar, celebrated our anniversary, helped move our son Tim in eight years ago, sat in on Harvard Business School classes, attended HBS graduation, helped move Tim, visited churches, theaters and sampled a smorgasbord of Beantown eateries through thirty-three years.
Recently I made more deposits into my Boston memory bank, spending a long weekend with Tim. You’ll never guess what we did. I was able to express tangible care by helping my son clean, pack and move most of his worldly goods from one apartment to another in preparation for his marriage to Grace.
A friend driving to a conference near Boston had asked if she could deliver anything to Tim. First I thought of stuff to send the 300 miles, and then I thought of sending myself. I am glad I did.
My Jersey country boy has become a mature city man. In two days, my pedometer—and the aching soles of my feet—testified that we took more than 25,000 steps (nearly 8 miles) in a city with hills and a fourth-floor walkup apartment. Tim’s ability to navigate the streets and hard conversations were impressive. He gave me a tour, pointing out places where he had worked, where he had asked Grace to marry him and other special spots. I also heard him deal gracefully with several touchy issues in a way that helped the other person feel understood as well as understand why change was necessary.
We dealt with lots of “stuff,” including 2.5 years of recycling, items for Goodwill and things past their usefulness. When going through papers, I noticed an envelope with my name on it. Tim had written and addressed a note of thanks to me over a year ago but had never quite gotten a stamp on it. He hand delivered it and doubled the thanks.
Helping Tim move was arduous even with a borrowed car. Finding parking is a challenge, especially since many areas are reserved for residents and the car we used had NJ plates. With construction blocking access to the main entrance at the new apartment, we used the loading dock and luggage carts to save our backs and move Tim’s things. How different Boston looks from the 24th floor!
I believe helping Tim with the move and spending time interacting with him are preparing me for the change in relationship that marriage brings. I look forward to a Boston wedding and adding another daughter to the family soon.
Recently I made more deposits into my Boston memory bank, spending a long weekend with Tim. You’ll never guess what we did. I was able to express tangible care by helping my son clean, pack and move most of his worldly goods from one apartment to another in preparation for his marriage to Grace.
A friend driving to a conference near Boston had asked if she could deliver anything to Tim. First I thought of stuff to send the 300 miles, and then I thought of sending myself. I am glad I did.
My Jersey country boy has become a mature city man. In two days, my pedometer—and the aching soles of my feet—testified that we took more than 25,000 steps (nearly 8 miles) in a city with hills and a fourth-floor walkup apartment. Tim’s ability to navigate the streets and hard conversations were impressive. He gave me a tour, pointing out places where he had worked, where he had asked Grace to marry him and other special spots. I also heard him deal gracefully with several touchy issues in a way that helped the other person feel understood as well as understand why change was necessary.
We dealt with lots of “stuff,” including 2.5 years of recycling, items for Goodwill and things past their usefulness. When going through papers, I noticed an envelope with my name on it. Tim had written and addressed a note of thanks to me over a year ago but had never quite gotten a stamp on it. He hand delivered it and doubled the thanks.
Helping Tim move was arduous even with a borrowed car. Finding parking is a challenge, especially since many areas are reserved for residents and the car we used had NJ plates. With construction blocking access to the main entrance at the new apartment, we used the loading dock and luggage carts to save our backs and move Tim’s things. How different Boston looks from the 24th floor!
I believe helping Tim with the move and spending time interacting with him are preparing me for the change in relationship that marriage brings. I look forward to a Boston wedding and adding another daughter to the family soon.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Boundaries?
Since the last blog post, my caregiving has meant dealing with a skin cancer surgery, an ER visit, filling seven prescriptions, and calling four doctors with competing advice on dealing with an infected toe. Then there’s helping with tax returns for two families and editing the resume of an unemployed family member, plus my own endoscopy-colonoscopy double header and several other tests to determine the source of abdominal pain.
When, as a responsible first-born, do I take a break from caring for others to care for myself? My desires feel like wants; others have needs. Is there enough Elsie to go around?
I was invited to accept a volunteer leadership position at church. While thinking and praying about the decision, the “what ifs” sprouted like dandelions. What if my parents’ health needs consume more and more of my time and energy and I have to step down? What if my health is being compromised by helping my parents?
Blogging is making me accountable to reflect, to be more intentional about my life. But sometimes my words seem to dangle in cyberspace. I would love to have responses bounce back at me on how to honor family members while caring for self...or any related issues. I look forward to your comments. By the way, in faith, I said “yes” to the leadership position.
When, as a responsible first-born, do I take a break from caring for others to care for myself? My desires feel like wants; others have needs. Is there enough Elsie to go around?
I was invited to accept a volunteer leadership position at church. While thinking and praying about the decision, the “what ifs” sprouted like dandelions. What if my parents’ health needs consume more and more of my time and energy and I have to step down? What if my health is being compromised by helping my parents?
Blogging is making me accountable to reflect, to be more intentional about my life. But sometimes my words seem to dangle in cyberspace. I would love to have responses bounce back at me on how to honor family members while caring for self...or any related issues. I look forward to your comments. By the way, in faith, I said “yes” to the leadership position.
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